FORKNI-L
Digest - 15 Nov 2006 to 16 Nov 2006 (#2006-54)
Thu, 16 Nov 2006
There are 2 messages totalling 184 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
1. research for episodes
2. PRAYER: Re: In THAT PLACE Again...... (The bad place) **LONG**
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Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:20:15 -0800
From: Libby Singleton <libratsie@s.......>
Subject: Re: research for episodes
Also, it must be remembered television writing is a very fast paced atmosphere.
Scripts go through multiple rewrites, so that's built into the schedule.
Numerous times, there's just not time to do proper research, especially in shows
without real high budgets such as Forever Knight.
--Libs
Sara Orel <orel@t.......> wrote:
Well, the historical verification was abysmal. But I seem to recall
that some of that was done after the scripts were written, by people
screwing around with stuff for no really convincing reason.
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Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 20:18:49 EST
From: Billie Lee Williams <McCelt2003@a.......>
Subject: PRAYER: Re: In THAT PLACE Again...... (The bad place) **LONG**
Dearest Friends,
(PS at the front: I am just going to "cc" for the PRAYER:) thing--I am out of
steam, and if I don't do it now, I won't do it at all....) This started out
as a thank you note--I have turned it into a "PRAYER" post, as I cannot type
it again, or even last long enough to cut and paste--I sincerely hope no one
minds. I feel like I only delurk when things are very bad. I have reached a
"No Light at the End of the Tunnel" point, and really need prayers. Please know,
as I have said (last time was a long time ago), that though I sometimes read
them late, I read ALL Prayer and other requests, and I absolutely do pray,
even if I do not say so.
I am *alone* (as in, no one else is home...) so I thought typing this was the
best way to reach out (yet again, <sigh>).
Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts (I cannot type for long
periods, so I have to do this all in one "reply"); I cannot tell you how much I
appreciate them. I might have to take breaks doing this. I said something to
McL about thinking about doing a "Prayer:" post, but being worried about coming
off all whiny and pitiful (what I really said was "whining, pissing and
moaning," I think...<very mild grin>." McL said go ahead and post (so, here I
go, I guess <argh>). Maybe I can cut and paste; I sure know I can't type this
more than once, so you may read things I have said before. I am going to run a
spell check, but please forgive me if I miss anything....
And it seems I am in that place again, today. I went to my Orthopedic
Surgeon, and I have exactly what I thought: "Adhesive Capsulitis." (<--SP?)
(Frozen Shoulder). The Range of Motion in my left shoulder has significantly
DECREASED since he gave me the, well, shorter word is, Steroid injections, 2
weeks ago. (2 of them, with ewwwwwww, Spinal Needles, OUCH!!)
It is progressive, apparently rapidly so at this point, and requires
immediate intervention. (So much for that Phony Workman's Comp. Doc saying I had
"full range of motion *everywhere* and could go back to work NOW doing a Psych
Director's job" [for instance], yeesh.....). It is a two part surgery, done all
at once--it is two part in that it is done part awake, and part asleep. Then I
have to go home with some kind of "port" still attached to me that delivers a
powerful local anesthetic--for some 4 to 5 days, in order that I may begin
DAILY Physical Therapy immediately after discharge from the hospital.
My Doc said this is the most *challenging* of all the surgeries he does (and
he is the best of the best), one of the most difficult--it does not always
work, but he has a very high success rate. If I DO NOT have it done, well, it
will only get worse, and, eventually I will not be able to use my arm at all,
and I can forget about ever working again.
I can't work NOW, so I guess this would be my best shot at maybe someday
being able to do so again. I feel so utterly useless after almost an entire
LIFETIME of helping others (!!!)
How on Earth will I get to Physical Therapy? I cannot drive NOW, and certainly
won't be able to after surgery. The S.O. has to take time off (very minimal
income there, but it is better than nothing, that is for sure) every time I
have a Doctor's Appointment. Like, for instance, when I go to see the Shrink
(re: my Psychiatric Diagnoses, there are 3--one is really neurological, but I
am not going to argue about it) for the Social Security Disability Decision on
December 1st. Or, when I go to see THEIR (SSDI) Internist on December 6th. I
cannot drive myself to those. I cannot drive myself to the bathroom--haha,
which is 15 feet away from the bedroom (<--where I spend most of what feels
like my really worthless, pointless life. YES, I am feeling very, very sorry
for myself. <sigh>. Sorry about that.).
I have now fallen, or had some kind of similar mishap (when NOT medicated on
Pain Killers or Muscle Relaxants, yes, I have had to resort to those, makes me
really, really mad, but I don't have a lot of choice) over the past 3 weeks.
3 of them have been in the last 10 days. I now have to make sure I use a cane
when I am alone inside the apartment. **Forget about** going outside, or down
the stairs.
Every mishap has resulted in further aggravation of my shoulder, some further
injury to my back and/or hip, and I have hit my head on two occasions.
I asked the Doctor: "Since my income **ends on November 28th,** by the time
Workman's Comp. authorizes this, I don't even know if I will have a home!?!??"
He pointed out that it wouldn't do me much good to be sitting on the steps of
some Church with a Frozen Shoulder, and that I might as well get it fixed.
It will be a fight to get Comp. to authorize it (only one claim was closed--one
is still open, the one from 1998, and that is the one under which my first
shoulder surgery was done, my knee surgery, all the problems with my neck,
back, hips and so forth--oh, and severe exacerbation of all my Psychiatric
Diagnosis). It will get authorized--I have no doubt about that; my Doctor is a
Pitbull about these things.
I just don't know how I am going to pay my rent, pay for the car, car
insurance, and everything else that goes along with just "being" after the end
of this month. Well, actually, I have enough for a little beyond that, but NOT
MUCH.
I have been near suicide so many times I cannot even count. I pray, or I try
to, really, really hard. I try to "give it up to God," as I have been taught
to do. I must be doing something wrong. In an email I sent (privately)
before I said I had accomplished MY ONE REAL GOAL, and that was to see my son
independent and reasonably happy.
He is. And he does not require heart surgery (PRAISE The Lord...) for some
time to come--knows what to do to look after the situation. I have said that I
know I can be very DEPENDENT in my personal life, but, that I am accustomed
to be a caretaker (friends, families, and in my Professional Life), and have
been one of SOME kind since I was 13 years old. I am 48.5 years old now. I
have said that I have helped a lot of people (in different ways--as a nurse,
counselor, friend) and that I know for a fact that I have saved a lot of lives.
That is not bragging, it just is what it is.
I have also said maybe that is all I am supposed to do.
The pain is beyond intolerable--even with the medication. Worse yet, I am
afraid I will become addicted to it. Then, I will be addicted to narcotics and
other controlled substances; something I VOWED would never happen to me. My
mother and her mother died from such things (not from injuries--from abuse of
street drugs and alcohol, etc.), and my half-sister + half-brother wound up
going down the same path; I have no idea where they are (sister + brother); on
the streets, last I heard. I thought my sister had kicked it; seems not
<sigh>.
Maybe I have done all I am supposed to do in my life.
I don't know. Can I really wait for them to authorize the surgery? I don't
sleep well. When I do, I have nightmares. PTSD is out of remission and all
the daytime and nighttime symptoms are both blasting me off and on.
"Sleep/Night Terror Disorder" (happens in non-dreaming sleep) is usually
controlled by medication--they are breaking through. Rips me from deep, deep
sleep to sudden wakefulness.
Major Depression? Well, yeah. That's kind of obvious. :(
Do I have the means? Yes.
Do I have a plan. No. I did, but not anymore.
Do I feel helpless/hopeless? Sometimes; not always.
Do I want to die? No.
But I remain, as I was the last time I wrote something like this. TERRIFIED.
That is not even the right word. I have forgotten so many things, due to
pain, FEAR, medication, MIGRAINES have flared up...the list goes on and on.
I am scared out of my mind. I feel so defeated on so MANY levels. I haven't
got the strength to fight anymore. I want to try. Some days are much worse.
Like today. At least today I managed to type something. Even if it is
incredibly *negative.*
I am so very sorry to be such a drain.
Clearly I need help. And Prayers. If you got this far, thank you and God
Bless You. Yes, I still "Believe." It is just very, very hard to hang on.
I Love You All.
Billie-Lee
Billie-Lee Williams, RN, Ph.D.
"Oh, Divine Master grant that I may never seek, not so much to be consoled as
to console, not so much to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to
love with all my heart. Amen." Saint Francis; "Jesus take the wheel, take it
from my hands, 'cause I can't do this all on my own" (Carrie Underwood)
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End of FORKNI-L Digest - 15 Nov 2006 to 16 Nov 2006 (#2006-54)
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